


Cave Systems and Fire Lizards

by allmimsyweretheborogroves



Category: BomBARDed (Podcast)
Genre: Bonding, Fluff, Gen, MotA 2018, a lotta fluff, but only in the loosest sense of the word, chaos sauce bullying their tired teacher/dm, for once i didnt put any angst in this, lots of jokes probably only i think are funny, march of the arts 2018, randy stop trying to fuck the dragons challenge, raz'ul is Excited To Play, someone keep randy away from the dice, splash is Trying His Best, yashee's concerned abt the lizards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 10:50:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16448474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmimsyweretheborogroves/pseuds/allmimsyweretheborogroves
Summary: What better way to relax than to play a game of Cave Systems and Fire Lizards with your students? Your well-behaved, completely rational and patient students? What could possibly go wrong?(There are so many more better ways to relax. God, so many. As per usual for Chaos Sauce, chaos ensues.)





	Cave Systems and Fire Lizards

**Author's Note:**

> this is just something silly i made for @LeonaLsw98 on twitter (leo on discord) for mota! note to self: when the next march of the arts comes around, maybe don't wait until the last second to finish it? overall though it turned out kinda cute and it made me laugh so u know what counting it as a personal win (also the campaign splash is running is a HEAVILY modified version of a session i ran once, except with 90% less lizard).

_Skystead is known as a city where many pass through but few stay, with a bustling market and tall colorful buildings that seem to almost scrape the sky. The air is thick and perfumed with cumin and cooking meat, and little snow-crusted lanterns gleam through the skeletons of trees still stretching towards the stars. It’s a city of contradictions, of the warmth from hundreds of crowded bodies squeezing through narrow streets and the chill from the ever-present winter. It-_

“We get it, Splash, it’s a cool city. Lots of ice and people. Just one problem. You said there’d be dungeons and dragons? Oop- I mean, cave systems and fire lizards.”

“Yeah, Randy has a good point! I don’t see any lizards?” Yashee furrowed her brow, a worried pout beginning to twitch on her lips. “Are the lizards being cooked?”

“Now, hold on. I’m not done building atmosphere. Can I get back to the story now?” As an afterthought, Symbol added, “and it’s not Splash, it’s Symbol.” Sinking further down into his violet beanbag, he gave Randy a baleful look and reached out blindly for the bowl of leftover Halloween candy that laid in the center of the makeshift circle of bards, all the while maintaining eye contact.

(Not for the first time, Symbol was beginning to have second thoughts about the alternative lesson plans that the Headmistress had suggested after what she called “one too many dangerous missions he had sent his students on”.)

From where he was sprawled on the ground, Randy dramatically flourished an arm at him to continue. While following its arc, his hand accidentally smacked the bowl and scattered candy everywhere, much to Symbol’s dismay and Randy’s delight. “Please do, oh masterful master of dungeons. Uh, cave systems.”

_Anyways. As I was saying. Uh. Right. Whether you were drawn here by the merchants selling their goods, the many easy-to-fool tourists, or just the promise of an adventure from one of the many message boards, all three of you have found your way to this bustling city. Your adventure starts in the warmly lit Lonely Cricket Tavern, where a recent heavy snowfall has left you and many of the locals trapped. With tensions growing high, a bar fight has erupted among four of the rowdier tenants and there are glasses flying._

“So describe yourselves and what you’re doing! Raz’ul, you first?” Splash looked marginally more cheerful as he scooped up a handful of loose candy on the floor, carefully inspecting one before popping it in his mouth.

Raz’ul glanced up from his character sheet. He looked significantly more excited than Yashee and Randy (the former still distraught over the possibly cooking lizards and the latter looking bored out of his mind), although that really wasn’t saying much. “Right! My name is Eldithas Dhunnaas and I’m a half-elf paladin. I have a lava-forged sword and I fight because I want to escape my dark past thanks to being abandoned by my parents and running away from home-”

Symbol raised up a finger with an apologetic smile. “Sorry to interrupt, but just a basic description will be fine. Backstories may come into play later, but for now we’re just introducing ourselves.” Awkwardly reaching out a hand to pat Raz’ul on the shoulder, he said, “I’m sure Eldithas has a wonderful backstory though. What do you want them to do now?”

Raz’ul deflated slightly, saying sheepishly, “Yeah, I guess. Uh, I guess I’m going to try to stop them from fighting?” He picked up his sheet and held it up close to his face, tilting it a bit as if the new angle would reveal some sort of secret paladin pacifism ability. “Doesn’t look like I have any spells though. There is a bubble for Persuasion, could I use that?”

There was a rustling of papers as Symbol peered at his notes. “Sure! Describe how you persuade them to stop fighting!”

_From the corner of the tavern where they had previously been nursing an ale, a dark-skinned half-elf looks up from their drink and stands up. Annoyance burns in their eyes and their hand begins to drift towards the handle of their sword. “Everyone, stop fighting! Uh. You might get hurt?”_

Randy snorted. “Very inspirational.”

Ignoring Randy, Raz’ul practically hurled the dice at the table. “Oof, got an 8. Any chance that does the trick?”

“That’s a d12. The d20’s the one with a twenty on it.”

A clatter, quickly followed by Yashee and Raz’ul craning their necks to look at the result. “...Can I keep my 8 roll from before?”

Symbol rubbed his temples. “No. You can’t.”

_They seem to ignore you for the most part in favor of continuing the fight, although one of the humans catches your eye and makes a rude gesture towards you._

“Can I roll to make a rude gesture back?”

“I mean, you can just do it, you don’t need to-”

“I got a 19.”

“Wow, okay. You super flip him off. That’s possibly the most righteous, perfectly executed bird that has ever been flipped. Great job. Downside, he looks really mad and he throws a glass at you. Make me a dexterity saving throw?”

Giving Raz’ul a worried look, Yashee said, “Raz’ul doesn’t seem to be rolling very well… is there any way I can help him?”

Symbol flashed a quick encouraging smile, saying, “Roll a dexterity check to see if you can get there in time! You’re a monk if I remember correctly, so you should be a little speedier than the average person.”

“15,” both Raz’ul and Yashee said in unison, high-fiving each other with identical grins on their faces. Symbol blinked in surprise, mouthing something under his breath and then shaking his head as if to clear it.

“Uh, 15! Right, that’s excellent! Yashee, remind me again what your character’s like?”

Yashee beamed and poked her finger towards a hastily drawn sketch of a short human with messy hair wearing what looked like… blue pyjamas? “Her name’s Ella and she’s a human monk! She really likes hanging out with her friends and playing music and karate!”

Symbol flashed a thumbs up, adding a brief note to his notebook.

_Eldithas, you see the human reach his arm back and chuck the glass at you, but seeing as he’s drunk, his aim’s not the best, and you have the advantage of being used to combat. Using your quick reflexes, you manage to dodge it. As you do this, you see what almost looks like a blur of… blue, I guess? And another human’s standing next to you, having caught the glass in her hand. Ella, you feel the glass in your hand, still slippery from spilled ale but not broken. The human who threw the glass splutters angrily and starts to stumble over to you two, and he looks pretty mad, but also pretty drunk and clumsy._

“Uh, before we roll any sort of initiative, would you like to do anything, Randy? Oh, and describe your character for us please!”

Randy, who had been trying to stack the oddly shaped dice in an increasingly shaky tower for half an hour now, swore as his makeshift Tower of Pisa shuddered and then collapsed. Dice spilled all over the floor in a burst of colors, a couple rolling into the pile of loose candy to create an arrangement of truly forbidden snacks. He quickly gave up on the idea of re-gathering them and instead half-heartedly squinted at his sheet (which was mostly just a hodgepodge of doodles and scribbled tally marks). “I’m a goblin with really stupid hair and big ears and my name’s Gareth West. Since I’m a fighter, can I punch the door so hard that the snow evaporates?”

“...I’m sorry, what?”

“Don’t fighters punch things?”

“No, that’s not… I mean, yeah, they do, but there’s a lot to unpack in what you just said. I can ignore the jab at your fellow student, but _punching the door so hard that the snow evaporates_????

“Hey, it’s the snow-in that’s causing the fight, right?” Randy shrugged. “I’ll just get rid of the snow, and then we can all get out of the tavern before things get too ugly. The sooner we get out of the tavern, the closer we are to fire-lizard smashing. Easy.”

Spluttering, Symbol rifled through his notes and, when that failed to give him any guidelines on how to deal with this, the colorful and dignified looking Cave Systems Master book. After a solid minute of silence, he sighed the sigh of a man long resigned to his fate. “Yeah. I guess. Roll the dice.”

Randy smirked and tossed the dice, calling the result a half-second before it hit the table. “Natural 20. I punch the door so hard that the snow evaporates.”

 _I… damnit. Well. There goes one page of my notes. Uh, Eldithas and Ella, you see the human approaching, and it looks like you’re gonna be gearing up for a fight, when suddenly you hear a loud_ **_thump._ ** (Symbol punctuated this sentence by hitting the floor in imitation of the sound, although thanks to the plush carpeting the effect was disappointingly muffled.) _And then you hear the sound of… snow evaporating, I guess? But on a bigger scale. Imagine the sound of rain, but in reverse. And you look over to see this… little… goblin with bad hair? Standing triumphantly by the door, a large dent next to him._

“You know, I really thought my first time as a Cave Systems Master would be a lot more dignified than this.”

“Awww, you love us, Splash.”

“Maybe you and Yashee, but Randy?” Symbol shot an exasperated glare at the grinning halfling, who fluttered his eyelashes innocently. “You’re on thin ice. And don’t call me Splash.”

_Anyways, the snow blocking the door is gone, you absolute menaces. Uh, some of the other people in the tavern who had mostly just been staying as far away from the bar fight as possible begin to cautiously creep towards the door, avoiding your eyes… Gareth._

Breaking character, Splash sighed. “God, I hate that that’s your name. I won’t be able to look Christina Blackblade in the eye for weeks.”

“Hey, you can’t deny the name fits him.”

_No comment. Um. Anyways. Eventually most of the people in the tavern filter out, leaving just you guys, the bartender, and the angry man you fought with earlier. He glares at y’all, mouthing something rude and giving Gareth a wary look, but after a minute of murderous looks he leaves too. And now there’s just you three!_

With the practiced gleeful nonchalance of a cave systems master scorned, Symbol examined his fingernails and said, “Roll me a perception check?”

After a bit of fumbling around and pointing out the right dice to use, the bards reported their scores with various levels of enthusiasm. Randy smugly said, “Natural 20 again,” while Raz’ul smiled victoriously at the 18 face-up on the table. Sighing, Yashee mumbled, “I got a 3.”

“Natural 20 agai- no, okay,” Symbol rubbed his temples, looking like he was trying to convince himself more than any of the others present. “Your good luck’s gonna bite you in the ass sometime soon and you’re going to be rolling in nat 1s...pun not intended. At least it’s only happening right now when the stakes are low. And you guys got… an 18 and a 3! Okay!”

_Gareth and Eldithas notice the sound first. Eldithas perhaps due to their enhanced elven hearing and Gareth because of… dumb luck, I guess. It’s a combination of sounds, actually- a sort of low rumbling that hangs in the air and the whooshing of a strange wind that’s picking up from overhead. What follows next is impossible to ignore, however… unless you’re Ella and you rolled a 3. Justified since she’s a human without darkvision I guess? But as the two of you follow the angry man’s path with your eyes, you see him stop, turn around, and then start to scream. His scream is quickly cut off, however, as he’s fully encased in ice before you can even blink._

“What the…” Raz’ul muttered, unconsciously leaning forward. “Eldithas runs over there to investigate.”

“Ella too! Uh, do I see them running over there?” Yashee said, tilting her head a little to the side. “Since I didn’t roll too good on seeing the ice.”

“Yeah, you probably notice the half-elf you were with starting to run, so if you want to join them you absolutely can. Randy- I mean, _Gareth_ , are you coming with?”

“Might as well. Let’s do this,” Randy said lazily, cracking his knuckles.

_As you approach the human popsicle, you notice that his eyes are wide and fixated on the sky. After looking over at where he’s staring, you quickly notice why. A giant ice-white dragon hovers in the air, large frost-coated wings catching the glare of the moonlight. It snorts out a wisp of cold fog and begins to lower down, claws gleaming like steak knives._

Smiling serenely at his students’ dumbstruck faces, Symbol asked, “Isn’t this what you were asking for? Maybe not a fire lizard, but I find that ice lizards work just as well in a pinch.” Slowly, he unpeeled a candy wrapper (double-checking that it wasn’t a rogue d4) and chewed the taffy inside with relish.

“We’re… we’re level one though?” Raz’ul looked down at his character sheet and then back up at Symbol, and then back at his sheet again. “Splash, c’mon. I literally only have 12 hitpoints. I don’t even know what that means, but it’s not high!”

“You have 12 hitpoints?? I have only,” Randy paused for a second to count on his fingers, “8 hitpoints!” Upon seeing the flat look that Symbol shot him, he elaborated, “Constitution was my dump stat.”

Yashee gulped. “I have 8 hitpoints too. Maybe the dragon’s really elderly and weak?”

“Oh no,” Symbol said, looking like he was thoroughly enjoying this. “It looks very strong, and you get the feeling that it has a fantastic immune system. Good on you to check, though! Now, would any of you like to do anything before we enter initiative?”

Silence.

Symbol opened his mouth to speak, d20 in hand, but paused upon seeing the slow grin that began to spread across Randy’s face.

“I’d like to roll to seduce the dragon.”

Amidst the chaos that quickly followed his statement, Randy quickly took out his dice and slam-dunked it on the table. Whooping, he yelled, “THAT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER NATURAL TWENTY!”

“GODDAMNIT! Do I even want to know how you’re planning to do this??”

“Gareth leans over, exposing a bit of his shoulder. Eugh,” Randy paused, wrinkling his nose, “I get why you feel weird about saying his name now. Anyways, he sends the dragon a little saucy wink, stretches a leg out, and makes a ‘come hither’ motion. While wiggling his eyebrows.” He frowned, deep in thought. “Actually, what do dragons find attractive? I-”

“Let’s not talk about this situation any longer than we actually have to, _please_ ,” Raz’ul said empathetically. Yashee, who was shaking with laughter on the floor (and wincing as stray d10s found their way into her back), tried to add something in agreement but rapidly burst into another fit of giggles, rolling into the side of her beanbag.

_I… I really don’t want to have to describe this. God. Okay. You… seem to have piqued the dragon’s interest and… no. No. I hate this. Why-_

“-why did you have to do this? Just- _why_?” Symbol looked torn between laughter and despair as he crumpled up 5 pages of notes. “How did you do this? Sure, you may be lucky, but how are you THAT lucky?”

Randy winked, twirling his die between his fingers. “Just that good ol’ halfling luck, baby!” He tossed it from hand to hand. “Now describe for me the passionate love between me and this drag- whoa!”

He let out a startled yelp as he fumbled the d20 and it clattered onto the table, landing… 20 side up.

Symbol narrowed his eyes and said, “Now hold on, I’d like to see your dice for a second first.”

“Of course!” Randy said smoothly, handing over a clearly different cherry red d20.

Symbol locked eyes with Raz’ul, who nodded slightly and scooted closer to Randy. “Let me just look at that…” As he leaned forward and plucked the red d20 from Randy’s hand, he whispered, “ _now!_ ”.

Raz’ul took the opportunity to snatch Randy’s real dice (despite Randy’s vehement protesting) and quickly jiggled the d20 in his hands, throwing it on the table.

20.

“...Aaaand I think that’s my cue to leave!” Randy snickered. “It was great playing with you guys but I gotta practice my music! Bye Splash!” He took off down the hallway, loud laughter trailing after him as he rounded the corner and dashed out of sight.

“IT’S SYMB- oh, forget it.” Symbol sighed, an odd mixture of exasperation and fondness in his voice. He began to organize his papers again, shuffling through encounters that never ended up happening and carefully retrieving the crumpled up notes.

“Uh, Splash?” Raz’ul tapped him on the shoulder, smiling a bit sheepishly. “It was actually a lot of fun playing with you. Even if it got a little derailed by the end of it.”

Yashee’s hopeful face popped up, having finally stopped laughing. “Yeah! Maybe we could play again sometime?”

“Mmm, maybe. But for now, get ready for tomorrow. We’re going on an actual adventure again!”

“No lizards, fire or otherwise?” Raz’ul joked.

He chuckled tiredly. “Well, we can certainly hope.”


End file.
